Monday, December 29, 2008
I'm not saying I'm happy your wife, Laci, turned-up dead or anything, just that something good can come out of even supposedly negative situations, right? I'm basically a very positive person who always chooses to see the glass as half-full. Sure, it's pretty sad that she's six feet under, but what about my needs? If your spouse hadn't gone missing, you never would have become an overnight media sensation, and without that sexy face splashed all over the news, how would I have discovered that a cutie patootie such as yourself even exists, and decide to be your pen pal? It's not like we travel in the same circles, and unless you hang out at the mall in downtown Canton, Ohio, there's no way in hell our paths would have ever crossed, which totally sucks. It's awesome that you've come into my life, and I'm grateful to the Universe for each and every event that led to this friggin' miracle! Do you believe in love at first sight? I do, because the moment I saw you on TV, I knew I'd found my soul mate. I'm just sharing my feelings, which will hopefully encourage you to do the same, since that's what healthy relationships are all about (according to my idol, Oprah). So I hope you're not threatened by me making the first move! I had been watching the show, "The Bachelor," and was channel surfing during a commercial break, and there you were, the hottest hunk I'd ever seen, giving an interview to a local news station about the disappearance of Laci. At first I thought you were too good-looking to be an actual, real-life wife slayer, and assumed you must be an actor or supermodel who might be willing to help me become a celebrity myself. But that's okay, I still want to do the horizontal polka even though you don't have a career in the entertainment business. I don't give a flying fuck what some dude who I already decided to hook-up with does for a living, unlike my BFF, who has no scruples and is a freakin' gold digger! What's important to me is that your heart is in the right place. You rock!