Monday, December 29, 2008

Dear Scott

I'm not saying I'm happy your wife, Laci, turned-up dead or anything, just that something good can come out of even supposedly negative situations, right? I'm basically a very positive person who always chooses to see the glass as half-full. Sure, it's pretty sad that she's six feet under, but what about my needs? If your spouse hadn't gone missing, you never would have become an overnight media sensation, and without that sexy face splashed all over the news, how would I have discovered that a cutie patootie such as yourself even exists, and decide to be your pen pal? It's not like we travel in the same circles, and unless you hang out at the mall in downtown Canton, Ohio, there's no way in hell our paths would have ever crossed, which totally sucks. It's awesome that you've come into my life, and I'm grateful to the Universe for each and every event that led to this friggin' miracle! Do you believe in love at first sight? I do, because the moment I saw you on TV, I knew I'd found my soul mate. I'm just sharing my feelings, which will hopefully encourage you to do the same, since that's what healthy relationships are all about (according to my idol, Oprah). So I hope you're not threatened by me making the first move! I had been watching the show, "The Bachelor," and was channel surfing during a commercial break, and there you were, the hottest hunk I'd ever seen, giving an interview to a local news station about the disappearance of Laci. At first I thought you were too good-looking to be an actual, real-life wife slayer, and assumed you must be an actor or supermodel who might be willing to help me become a celebrity myself. But that's okay, I still want to do the horizontal polka even though you don't have a career in the entertainment business. I don't give a flying fuck what some dude who I already decided to hook-up with does for a living, unlike my BFF, who has no scruples and is a freakin' gold digger! What's important to me is that your heart is in the right place. You rock!

8 comments:

  1. Yeah, and don't forget that Lifetime even made a movie about the Hunk Who's Being Wasted. You gotta be pretty darn important for that to happen!

    (Of course, sometimes they are just hungry for anything they can scrounge up in the juice department.)

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  2. I didn't think I would be the type to like this sort of thing. Usually, I'm not into looking at other people's bloody car accidents and the like, but I found myself thinking to myself while reading: more, more, more! If you think about it, if SP had received the death penalty as he deserved, then none of the anger and lust this has stirred up in me would exist, and I would miss that.

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  3. Nice site. Check out my site. If you think we are a good match (in a platonic, link swapping sort of way) leave me a comment and we'll set it up. Be interested to see where you go with this. Good luck

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  4. You can't be serious...
    Is this an attempt to get media attention?

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  5. Coolest blog ever! I think people don't get you but I do (:

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  6. The scary thing is I think I read some where that this woman wanted to marry this guy LOL.

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  7. You have taken leave of your senses (maybe "gone stark, raving mad" would be a better way to put it).

    I urge you to seek the counsel and guidance of a Priest (or perhaps an Exorcist would be a more appropriate selecton).

    May the Lord have mercy on your soul.

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  8. Jack's comment is almost as funny as the post.

    Very funny, check out my site.

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