Friday, February 6, 2009

Dear Scott

Don't feel hurt that my BFF (Best Friend Forever) thinks Ted Bundy is hotter than you. As usual regarding the male sex, she is speaking out of her butthole! Me, I would never hook-up with some dude who is responsible for bumping off thirty-six bitches, no matter how cute he is! To me, it would be a red flag that he's commitment phobic. Also, if a guy has unconsensual sex with that many women, the chances of his current fuck buddy catching a nasty STD are greatly increased. My BFF is still stuck in her bad boy phase, which is so pathetic! I pointed this out to her last night while we were sharing a plate of nachos at the food court in the mall. I go, "You always pick unavailable men who are way beneath you. I think you can do better." I was just trying to be a helpful, supportive BFF. But predictably, she got all bent out of shape and defensive, accusing me of slumming by falling for you! I shot back, "Well, Scott Peterson may or may not have killed his wife, but it's not like he went around slaughtering total strangers, like lizard brain Ted Bundy did. That is so lame!" She goes, "It was sweet of him to only choose victims he didn't know, that way they couldn't take it personally and their feelings wouldn't get hurt." Oh, puleeze! The real reason behind my BFF's sudden infatuation with history's most notorious serial killer? She has always been extremely competitive, and constantly tries to one-up me. After I told her that I'd be auditioning for the television show, America's Next Top Model, she decided to do the same, even though she never showed any interest in becoming a supermodel before, and for good reason, she wasn't blessed with a supermodel's gorgeous face and perfect body, like I was. And as soon as she discovered that I had a major crush on you, the handsomest, most famous murderer on death row, the copy cat announced out-of-the-blue that her heart belongs to Ted Bundy! Gimme a friggin' break! I swear, the girl can't think for herself! Plus, why couldn't she do a simple Google search and at least find a murderer to lust after who's still alive? Hello? How does she expect her love letters to reach him when he's six feet under? Just between you and me, I really think my BFF needs to see a shrink about her lousy taste in men. 

7 comments:

  1. i WOULD HAVE TO SAY THAT I"AM IN COMPLEAT AGREEMENT WITH YOU"RE FREIND> iT IS QUITE POSSIBEL THAT SHE HAD THESE FEELINGS FOR A LONG TIME BUT IS ONE OF THO"SE PEOPLE WHO AS TEHY SAY HOLD THIER CARDS CLOSE TO THIER CHEST ANDSUCH>
    aND IT IS ALSO POSSIBEL TAHT SHE HAS ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A MODIL> AND

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  2. I understand your friend, I still sometimes write to Ed Gein, so its not that unusual.

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  3. Is it a coincidence that the phrase "six feet under" is in your piece. By the way...yes, one of the best! Loved how they ended the series. BFF needs an obsession with a pulse, I agree. It's like my deep desire for Vivian Vance, unrequited yet unrealistic.

    Hutch

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  4. How about Ed Gein? He was the first prominent cannibal, ala Hannibal.

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  5. This is probably my personal favorite blog.

    -mAQ

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  6. Jonesing for another letter to Scottie! Best blog ever!

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