Friday, February 6, 2009
Don't feel hurt that my BFF (Best Friend Forever) thinks Ted Bundy is hotter than you. As usual regarding the male sex, she is speaking out of her butthole! Me, I would never hook-up with some dude who is responsible for bumping off thirty-six bitches, no matter how cute he is! To me, it would be a red flag that he's commitment phobic. Also, if a guy has unconsensual sex with that many women, the chances of his current fuck buddy catching a nasty STD are greatly increased. My BFF is still stuck in her bad boy phase, which is so pathetic! I pointed this out to her last night while we were sharing a plate of nachos at the food court in the mall. I go, "You always pick unavailable men who are way beneath you. I think you can do better." I was just trying to be a helpful, supportive BFF. But predictably, she got all bent out of shape and defensive, accusing me of slumming by falling for you! I shot back, "Well, Scott Peterson may or may not have killed his wife, but it's not like he went around slaughtering total strangers, like lizard brain Ted Bundy did. That is so lame!" She goes, "It was sweet of him to only choose victims he didn't know, that way they couldn't take it personally and their feelings wouldn't get hurt." Oh, puleeze! The real reason behind my BFF's sudden infatuation with history's most notorious serial killer? She has always been extremely competitive, and constantly tries to one-up me. After I told her that I'd be auditioning for the television show, America's Next Top Model, she decided to do the same, even though she never showed any interest in becoming a supermodel before, and for good reason, she wasn't blessed with a supermodel's gorgeous face and perfect body, like I was. And as soon as she discovered that I had a major crush on you, the handsomest, most famous murderer on death row, the copy cat announced out-of-the-blue that her heart belongs to Ted Bundy! Gimme a friggin' break! I swear, the girl can't think for herself! Plus, why couldn't she do a simple Google search and at least find a murderer to lust after who's still alive? Hello? How does she expect her love letters to reach him when he's six feet under? Just between you and me, I really think my BFF needs to see a shrink about her lousy taste in men.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Let's just say for argument's sake that you knocked off your wife. I'm not saying you did, this is just for fun, so play along, okay? The way I look at it as a women's libber (don't worry, I don't have hairy legs or wear Birkenstocks! LOL!), if Laci never bothered to take swimming lessons, then she should accept full responsibility for drowning. Duh! Would it have been too much trouble for Miss High and Mighty to get off her lazy butt and learn the basic crawl stroke at the local YMCA? I saw her photo in People magazine, and the poor girl was a real tubby which would have caused her to sink to the bottom of the lake faster than a stone, so she has only herself to blame for all that extra weight. Dude, it's not your fault she refused to diet and exercise! I'm a hottie who's in awesome shape (36-24-36), and would have easily made it back to shore (wait till you see me in my smokin' string bikini)! And even though I can't swim for shit, at least I sort of know how to dog paddle, which is more than I can say for your codependent, deceased Missus! That's the main difference between Laci and myself: I'm going to be a supermodel who will always have the wherewithal to save my own ass if one of my hot-tempered fuck buddies becomes jealous of my crush on you and decides to do me in. Sheesh! It's not rocket science! You need a strong, take-charge gal like me in your life, not some passive bimbo who doesn't have the brains or skill to keep her empty head above water. My point is, the fairer sex is never going to achieve equality in the world if we don't stop waiting around for men to rescue us. We are women, hear us roar!